Top ten female characters of all time (as of 2010)

Readers,

I can already hear several of you asking yourself, “Quinn, why do a list called my ten favorite female characters of all time, and not just do a top ten TV characters of all time.” The answer to that is simple. If I did my 10 favorite characters of all time, there probably wouldn’t even be a woman on the list (well, this list’s number 1 would make it.) In my opinion the history of TV characters  (at least on shows I watch) is a lot like the James Brown song “It’s a man world” only if the song didn’t include the second part of its chorus.  Sadly, of the girls on my top ten lists only one is my favorite character on the show she’s on, and the show happens to be named after her. Let me also say that this list is just, like, my opinion man. And since very few shows I watch (even on tvland, nick at night or dvd) were started before the 90’s, no one on a show before 80’s is on this list. It might also be important to note, that while, I would concede the importance of Carrie Bradshaw in a list that was objective, due to the very subjective nature of this list, her name is very much absent. Also, while I would really like to put Buffy Summers on the list, the sad fact is I haven’t seen nearly enough episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to put her on. Although, if I had an 11^th spot, she would be it, and Rachael Green would come in at number 12.

10. Kate O’Brien-For those of you out there who are fans of the show Scrubs (and/or the surprisingly funny, yet awfully named Cougertown) it’s hard to remember that Christina Miller, once played one of the nicest, coolest, single women in all of sitcoms.  Friend of Drew Carrey, Lewis, and Oswald, and the groups lone source of estrogen, she was more than able to keep up with their hard drinking, blue collar, late night at the bar ways. Kate was also one of the four brewers of buzz beer. Christina left the show after season seven to work full time on her real life husband’s (Bill Lawarnce) hit NBC show Scrubs, and while the Drew Carry show marched on for two more seasons without her, it was never the same.

Two quick Drew Carrey show related side notes having nothing to do with this list

1.)    How much does Drew Carrey hate Lebron James right now, If I was a five year old child, I would say ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssss mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccchhhhhhhh and the only reason I wouldn’t say more is cause that’s as far as my five year old hands could reach apart

2.)    The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS is by far and away the best late night show of the current big 5 (6 if you count the George Lopez show on TBS, but, personally I don’t count the

George Lopez show on TBS, so for me it’s still the big 5)…anyway, there is very little I can say about it to give it justice. The show is really only him talking and interviewing guest (without the use of index cards). He also has a robot sidekick that was created by one of the guys that works for mythbusters. It is also the first late night talk show since Conan O’Brien that I DVR on a regular basis whether or not I like the guest. Paris Hilton was on last week, and it was the first interview I’ve seen or read of hers, where I didn’t wish a pox upon her houses. (and the list of Paris Hilton interviews I’ve read or seen is much higher than I’d ever want to admit to)

9. April O’Neil- April O’Neil deals with a lot in her day to day life as Chanel 6 news lead field reporter. She has a boss that wants her to get to the story first no matter how dangerous it is. A camera man, who often runs or drives the news van away at the first sight of danger, even if she is not in the van too, a co-worker, best friend who has no one else to talk to in her personal life. And April’s only other outlet is a group of teenage ninja’s, who love pizza, and also happen to share 100% of their DNA with turtles. While on the show April was often a damsel in distress for the turtles to save, she also helped them and her ability to make sure that LDRM knew of the dangers that the city was in for, and they were able to save the city before the peril got to be too great.

8. Pam Beasly- The genius of Pam Beasly is best seen in season 3 of The Office, when she is finally single and Jim leaves her as the only somewhat normal person at Dunder-Miflin’s Scraton branch. Her greatness on that season is seen even better when Jim comes back with a brand new girlfriend. The coupling that all fans wanted finally happened at the very end of that season, after Pam (in her best episode) walked over a pile of coals and then told Jim how she felt about how they are around each other (in my opinion the show was just never as good after that.) I haven’t brought a season of The Office on DVD since season 3 and stopped watching it on a regular basis last year. And perhaps one day I will blog about why I stopped liking this once very awesome and promising show (Hint: it has a lot to do with Michael Scott.) Oh well, I guess I am what I am…oh wait, that’s Popeye.

7. Susie Greene-When your fat fuck of a husband is manager and best friends with Larry David, a man who is very much the real-life influence for the greatest hapless schmuck in TV history; George Castanza. There are two ways you could go about handling the shenanigans the two will get into in their day to day lives. The first is to simply ignore it and just think of your children. The second is to take it head on in a screaming and cursing fit, usually only seen on Sam Kinnison DVDs. Thankfully for us, Susie Greene chooses the later. Cursing and spitting up such hellfire that Larry David and Jeff Greene have no choice but to leave the house with their tail tucked between their legs, and the even greater thing about Susie is she often justified for her behavior.

(For those wondering, I am not a Sam Kinnison fan. Mostly cause I prefer my comedians to be, I don’t know, funny. Ironically that is the same reason I don’t like Bill Hicks either)

6. Kate Austin-On the first episode of Lost, we see Oceanic flight 815 go down in flames and 48 passengers arise from the wreckage. Kate, who is one of the first to grab our attention, quickly forms a bond with Dr. Jack Sheppard when she helps him patch up a wound. Soon, however, Kate and Jack along with the other passengers, learn the island is far from the tropical paradise it seems to be. Through a series of flashbacks of her far from prefect pre-crash life, we soon learn a few things about our dear friend, that fellow crash survivor James “Sawyer” Ford, endearingly calls “Freckles.” The biggest thing we learn about Kate early in the series is that she killed her abusive step-father and her mother reported her to the police. She was actually in handcuffs on the plane after being found in Australia and being taken back to LA to be booked. Kate quickly became a fan favorite and also found herself torn between two men on and off the island; Jack Sheppard: the good guy, naturally charismatic, leader of men, doctor. And Sawyer: the brooding, rebelling, stubble having, badass. The two men are often at each other throat and Kate was many times the cause of it.  Kate often did the exact opposite of what either men asked her to do (such a rebel, that one) but at one point in the show is able to leave the island and plays mother to a fellow passengers baby, who was missing and presumed dead when Kate and another five passengers were able to get off the island in season 4. She stays bunked up with Jack for a while, but the two drift apart and she finds herself wanting to go back to the Island to find and save Sawyer. For those of you who haven’t seen Lost yet (spoiler alert) The ending sucks. However I’ve come to realize that one bad apple don’t spoil the who bunch and the show itself is so rich in character development and storytelling that as long as you go in knowing the ending blows chunks, you won’t be too disappointed and should be in for a decent time.  

5. Lucille Bluth-The Matriarch of the Bluth family who’s later revealed to be the brains behind the entire operation (including the “light” treason) Lucille is a rich elitist in every sense of the world; she won’t even make eye contact with waiters and assumes anyone of Latino decent is a maid or gardener. She also hates her oldest son, accuses her daughter of being fat, makes many demands of her only somewhat together son, and over mothers her youngest adult son. She one time adopted a Korean boy (or girl, who can really tell at that age) just to make him pay for not appreciating her enough.

4. Veronica Mars-Veronica Mars had the ideal teenage life; she was popular, she had an awesome best friend, an all-American, good looking, boyfriend (played by “The Iceman” Bobby Drake’s real life twin brother), who is also her best friends brother, a farther who is a head detective and beloved member of their affluent Neptune community (a fictitious city, loosely base on Malibu). Then one day her best friend is found murdered, her dad suspects her best friend and boyfriend’s farther (who is a very rich and powerful member of the community) and goes after him with everything he’s got. The farther gets off and Veronica’s dad, having put such a man through a trial, loses his job and is blackballed from the community. Veronica’s mother leaves him, and her relationship with her boyfriend becomes somewhat frigid to say the least. This is where the show kicks off. Veronica now an outcast at the school has the sleuthy DNA of her farther and starts to take cases for the kids at her high school while trying to secretly help her dad solve the murder of her best friend (which he forbids). Though her dad no longer works for the police he still has a police instrument or two to work with. When not doing school work, solving school mates mysteries, or trying to help solve the murder of her best friend (not always in that order) Veronica hangs out with her new friends and fellow social outcast (including her new friend and new kid in school Wallace, who often helps her in the mystery solving), quotes Big Lebowski  (my kind of girl), and tries not to get in fights at parties with the children of the rich elite of the town whom she once called friends. She is able to solve her friends murder by the end of the first season only to see the crashing of a bus at the beginning of the second season (her senior year) be the next mystery. Sadly, the show was canceled in the middle of the third season, but it did launch the career of Kristen Bell (who would later play Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall), as well as Amanda Seyfried (who played the murdered best friend, Lilly Kane, in flash backs and dream sequences in season 1). And many actors on the show star or guest star in the show Party Down.   

3. Lisa Simpson-Lisa is the smartest girl in grade number two (also the saddest), ever. Lisa is so smart that even at 26, I appear to be smarter than I am when I quote her. Lisa is the counter pointer to any argument anyone makes (including George H.W. Bush) that the Simpsons is a bad show or that they are a bad family. While she is often the foil (along with Marge) to the antics of Homer and/or Bart, she is still able to connect with them on many levels, she is after all, just an 8 year old. Lisa isn’t always happy with the place she is given in life. Whether it be because of her dads baboonish behavior or that no one in the family wants to do anything as a family that is culturally significant (which is slightly Ironic in that they are the most culturally significant TV family of all time). Lisa has done as much growing up as anyone could who has been 8 years old for 21 years, she has questioned religions (she is now a Buddhist.), Become a vegetarian (eating meat is Bhhhhhaaaaaaaaad) dated the dumbest kid in school, tried to change the schools bully, became a badass hockey goalie, played Martha Washington, found out that Springfield’s founder was nothing more than a pirate that once tried to rob from and kill George Washington, helped Bart foil the criminal plottings of mastermind “Sideshow” Bob Terwilliger, and even taken a college course at the beautiful Springfield U. amongst many other things. It’s also revealed that while at college she would meet, fall in love with, and almost marry a British gentleman. However, she couldn’t marry him because he didn’t respect her family (mostly her farther) and he wanted her to move with him to England and not see their family again.

2. Dana Scully-Dana Scully must have pissed someone off while getting her M.D. from Georgetown or while training in the FBI. Cause her gig right after FBI boot camp was being teamed up with Fox “Spooky” Mulder. Whom the entire bureau thought was a lunatic for his undying believe that the government is hiding its knowledge of extraterrestrials.  Scully starts following Mulder on missions and tries to explain the crazy things they see (lights in the sky, the Jersey Devil, men who can start fires with just their minds, etc…) using her knowledge of science. The two form a bond and friendship and soon become each other’s only allies as it turns out much of Mulders paranoia isn’t really paranoia at all. Very few fictional characters are so blatantly based on another fictional character as Dana Scully was on Clarice Starling from The Silence of The Lambs, from speech pattern to the hair length and style. My only real gripe with Scully was that no matter how much strange stuff she saw while traveling with Mulder and how many times Mulder was right with his crazy ideas, she never agreed with him until after the fact. She was always 100 percent based in science, even in a world where science fiction is much more the truth.  

 I was always a much bigger fan of the X-file monster of the week episodes than I was of the one that looked at the mythology of the show (the cigarette smoking man, deep throat, Samantha Mulder’s alien abduction) and I think my favorite episode is either the one about the Negro League baseball player, or the giant Fluke worm.

1.Elaine Benes-Elaine lives in a world surrounded by men. Whether it be her bosses (Mr. Pit, who eats his snickers with a knife and fork, J.Peterman, who once purchased Kramers life rights, or Mr. Lippman, who once got her to go to Yankee stadium wearing a Baltimore Orioles hat (the very same hat she had recently got kicked out of her seats for wearing before)); her many boyfriends, most notably The New Jersey Devil body painting David Puddy; or her Three good friends (the ex) Jerry Seinfeld, (the nebbish New Yorker) George Costanza, and the always wacky Kosmo Kramer (the ass man). Because of her cuteness (which she once used to get a discount on furniture, it didn’t go over well with the Soup Nazi though) it is easy to forget that Elaine has a mean and vindictive streak that rivals that of any of her male counter parts. (Does the phrase not a square to spare, ring any bells?) Also, as mentioned before, she refused to take her Orioles cap off at a Yankees-Orioles game (she is from Baltimore after all) even though the people who gave her the seats for free asked her too. Elaine also has a sultry streak in her as well; one time as a prank she left a rather sexy and throaty message on Jerry’s machine after one of his standup shows. The message blew all the guys away before they found out it was her, and then George acted awkward and nervous around her. Elaine also finished third in a certain contest the group had, helped break up a couple because she want to date the man and Jerry wanted date the woman, and admitted that she often faked while in bed with Jerry.

A couple of quick notes on Elaine Benes and Julia-Louis Dreyfus

1.       The part of Elaine wasn’t in the pilot, but was added to give the show a little bit of a feminine side. Before Dreyfus’s audition at the request of Larry David (co-creator) the part was going to go to Rosie O’Donnell, who was friends with Jerry and Larry and at her peak ability (see: A League of their own)(seriously, see the movie…it might be my favorite baseball movie of all time)

Julia-Louis Dreyfus is a total trust fund baby, she is one of two kids and her farther owns one of the world's largest commodities trading and merchandising firms, which is worth over a billion dollars. She easily could have been just another Hilton like kid, but instead used her talent to make the world a better place

Quinn Rose Egot

(Slightly disgust) Hello Reeeaders,

In the under watched show, every one of you should be watching on NBC, 30 Rock. The character Tracy Jordan decides he wants to have a baby girl and tells his wife, Angie. Angie is against having another kid, but decides she is willing to give it a try, after Tracy sweets talks her. It’s near the holidays, so to prove his ability as a family man she sends Tracy to the mall to buy Christmas gifts for their two boys. Long story short, while at a jewelry store at the mall, Tracy gets sidetracked by a diamond encrusted giant necklace with the word EGOT on it. The jeweler informs Tracy that the necklace once belonged to Miami Vice star Phillip Michael Thomas and is actually a career goal of winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony award. Tracy decides to buy the necklace and make it his own goal. Once he tells Angie of his purchase, as opposed to the Christmas present he was supposed to get for their kids. Angie decides that the only way that she will have another kid with Tracy is if he accomplishes his new goal of winning all four awards.

The point of that synapses of an episode of 30 Rock is this. In my opinion, this millennium, there have been 4 comedies with at least two and a half seasons under their belt that are head and shoulders above all other comedies: 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Scrubs, and How I Met Your Mother (rookie comedies :Modern Family, and Community have a chance to be full blown classics as well.) Of these shows, a handful of people have either starred or guest starred in at least two of the shows listed. This blog is dedicated to those people and their attempt to complete the Quinn Rose EGOT.

To complicate this blog a little more I will now break each of the four shows down to an award category, and explain why each show best fits into it.

30 Rock (Emmy): The original conception of the show was a look behind the scenes at the writers and politics of an SNL like show called The Girlie Show (this was also the plot of the show Studio 60 on the sunset strip…except 30 Rock is really good.) 30 Rock quickly turned into something a lot more slap sticky and off the wall than the original conception. In the real world, 30 Rock is an Emmy winning machine and has garnered Emmy nominations and wins for acting, directing, and comedy show. Thus, making it the easy choice for the E of the Quinn Rose EGOT award.

Scrubs (Grammy):  Funny and equally heart-warming and wrenching. Most of the happy and sad scenes in this hospital based comedy simply wouldn’t be as emotional without the music in the background. The score is often pop and indie songs and not just background music. Star Zach Braff, well thought of for his musical taste, won an Oscar for the Soundtrack of the movie “Garden State” which he wrote, directed, starred in, and picked out the soundtrack for. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Scrubs was kept on the air for at least 2 seasons too long. The episode that should have been the series finale, ends with his character, JD, imagining watching his future in a 60’s style home movie and would’ve been/is my favorite series finale since Seinfeld (yes, I actually really liked the Seinfeld series finale. And yes my opening line is a Seinfeld reference)

Arrested Development (Oscar): IamOscar.comThe best live-action comedy since Seinfeld (the show is also funnier than Seinfeld, has a 4 run arc that features Julia Louis-Dryfuss, and best of all, doesn’t have a laugh track) gets to represent the Super Bowl of award shows (the academy awards/Oscars.)  

How I Met Your Mother (Tony): someone had to be compared to the Tonies, and I can’t think of a better show than this. If for no other reason than that I actually watched the 2008 Tonies because it was hosted by the incomparable Neil Patrick Harris (who stars in HIMYM.)

Quick slightly unrelated rant: 3 of the 4 shows on this list, as well as 6 of my 10 favorite comedies of all time, do not have a laugh track. This is far from a coincidence, laugh tracks suck. Personally, I blame the idiots in the Midwest for the need for laugh tracks. Midwesterners are so stupid, I am pretty sure they wouldn’t know when to laugh if a show didn’t tell them too (I also think Midwesterners are the reason that Arrested Development was canceled way too soon. And the reason Two and a Half men is the # 1 Comedy in America.) You can read about more reasons why I hate the Midwest in my upcoming book; Compromise this: The tragic rise of the Midwest on Americas values and what we must do to take back our country from their evolution denying fat asses; we should also get rid of Texas and New Jersey while we are at it. For some reason I am still looking for a publisher.   Sadly, from a Nielsen ratings standpoint the most popular comedies still have laugh tracks which sucks even more when you consider that unlike past show, they are not filmed in front of a live audience (which means someone is getting paid to overdub audience laughter into shows that otherwise wouldn’t have it.) Now, I can appreciate a good “oooohhhh” when A.C. Slater calls Jessica Spanno a “Sexy Mama” or Lisa Turtle calls Screech a “Geek” or even a good “awwwww” after baby Michelle Tanner says “you got it, dude” I just wish they would keep their stinkin, damn, dirty paws off those buttons when I am trying to enjoy How I met your Mother or Big Bang Theory.

Let’s get back to the point of this blog, the Quinn Rose EGOT. Due to the abrupt cancelation of Arrested Development and the long overdue cancelation of Scrubs, the number of people that can actually realize the QREGOT dream is only about 3. However, I am going to write about everyone that I can think of off the top of my head that has been on at least two of the four shows. So if I miss someone, I am sorry. Although, because I am doing this off the top of my head, I think it is a lot less sad if I do miss an actor or two than it would be if I got all of them.

The actors/actresses that could achieve a full blown Quinn Rose EGOT

Jason Bateman:

(G): played a man in a wheel chair on Scrubs that did not thank J.D. for his work as a doctor, causing J.D. and Turk to go over to his ostrich infested house and demand one from him.

(O): starred in AD as Michael Bluth, the one son in the Bluth family that had no choice but to try and keep his family together.

Zach Braff:

(G) Dr. John (J.D.) Dorien, the main character in Scrubs. (He is no superman) (sidenote: I have a deep disdain for Superman, but will save that for another column)

(O) Played Phillip Ziff on an episode of Arrested. Ziff is the creator of the hit adult voyeurism DVD franchise: Women With Low Self-Esteem (girls show the camera their boobs and they get a hat.) Ziff is also probably the most famous Never-Nude.

Heather Graham:

(G) Played the reoccurring character Dr. Molly Clock on scrubs (had an 8 episode arc at the beginning of season 4) Dr. Clock is a psychologist, who is sent to do a fellowship at Sacred Heart. Befriends Dr. Reid, annoys Dr. Cox, Carla, and Dr. Kelso. Carla, cause she becomes the friend Elliot listens to over her. The two doctors due to her sunny disposition, whistling (wish causes everyone that she passes to whistle) and thinking people are good, (which is stupid, because as we all know, people are bastard coated bastards)  

(O) Played a substitute ethics teacher, with a thing for Saddam Hussein. George-Michael falls in love with her, and Michael starts dating her. For my money, this is the best episode of season 1.

*For some reason, whenever I try to picture Heather Graham in my head, I never think of her as being very pretty (although, I am made aware of her beauty when I see a visual of her.) I also have this same problem with Amy Smart, although I can explain the Amy Smart problem. When I lived in Harrisburg with some friends, one of my roommates had a friend that looked slightly like Amy Smart, but the friend wasn’t that attractive.

Elizabeth Banks*

*”Wait one cotton picking minute” I can hear Some Quinn Rose EGOT purist out there are saying out loud. Elizabeth Banks wasn’t in Arrested Development, she can’t be in this section of people that can actually get a Quinn Rose EGOT. She has to be in your other section that is devoted to actors that can’t QREGOT but are in two or more shows.

Let me first say, that you are correct on the lovely Mrs. Banks not being in Arrested Development in a psychical sense. But I’d like to think she was definitely there in a meta-psychical sense, and I am 100 percent sure based on her track record that had the Midwest not gotten AD canceled after a criminally low 53 episodes, she would have no doubt been in an episode in the flesh. I also hear she taste like a burger, but I am not sure I trust my source on that.

(E) On 30 Rock, Banks plays a political talking head named Avery Jessup, who hosts a show called “The Hot Box”. After Jack appears on the show, the two go on a date and Jack quickly falls for her. However, Jack also had a recent coincidental run-in with an old friend from high school, who may or may not be in the middle of a divorce, played by Julianne Moore.

(G) On Scrubs, Banks plays a doctor named Kim who J.D. falls for, impregnates, and then is left by when she takes a job in a Seattle hospital. While visiting her, and his future baby, he is told by her that she had a miscarriage (although we find out much sooner than poor J.D. does that she is lying to him…oh, the drama) anyway…she continues on and off the show after that as J.D. first baby’s mama.

(O) Since I am giving her an honorary O (if you know what I mean) I might as well give her a character description. Actually due to my lack of imagination, let’s say she played former GOB high school flame and mother of Steve Holt: Eve Holt. GOB got her pregnant in high school and because she was religious, once she got pregnant she stayed that way.

In a perfect world or at least in my perfect world of pretend TV romances (sigh) Banks would be cast as the title mother of CBS smash hit How I Met Your Mother (the show plays well in Peoria because of its laugh track…otherwise how would someone from the Midwest know when to laugh.) Cater/Bay need to get on this stat.

Now for the rest of the actors, who can’t officially QREGOT, but have had the good sense to be in at least two of these shows. I will honor them by writing about them in a blog that probably reaches about 10 people, 3 of which might still be reading this inane thing.

Judy Greer

(O) On AD, Greer plays Kitty, George Bluth’s loyal assistant who was once threaten in a bar by Michael Bluth, kidnapped George because he had promised her a baby Bluth of her own. Made out several times with GOB, and went to Reno with Tobias Funke where they were able to make “the biggest little mistake of their life.”

(T) Played a random girl named Royce (which would go in a column of names never to name your kid, if I ever got bold enough to write such a column, other notable names that would make that list, Valentine)

Anyway, Ted takes her to a movie called “the Wedding Bride” which Ted is shocked to learn is based on his relationship with Stella (Boo, Hiss) and is written by the man she left Ted at the altar for (Tony)…If someone asked me if I could name this my favorite episode of season five. I would respond by saying “Can doosville, baby doll!!”

Sarah Chalke

(G): plays Dr. Eliot Reid, JD’s on-again off-again love interest, whom he winds up with at the end of the series, and has a kid with. Dr. Reid, is as strongly written a female lead character as they come, and Chalke brings the funny at all times.

(T) As Dr. Stella Zinman (Booo…Hiss), the skin doctor and single mother of 1 (gulp) from New Jersey (double gulp) who Ted meets when he goes in to get a tramp stamp of a Butterfly removed from his back. Stella and Ted date, Ted ask her to marry him and then later learns that she doesn’t like Star Wars (Do’h) plans to make him move to Jersey with her (double do’h) and that she is still in love with her daughter’s farther and future “The Wedding Bride” scribe Tony, whom she winds up leaving Ted at the altar for (luckiest moment of Ted life.)  

 Mandy Moore

(G) Moore plays the character Julie on scrubs, a gorgeous and clumsy girl who says things are so funny instead of laughing. JD dates and falls for her, the two buys a plot of land that already has a deck on it together. Before learning that they are on totally separate pages as to what they are looking for right now in a relationship (he is ready to get married and have kids, she is not.)

(T) Moore plays a badass tattooed chick that Ted hooks up with after ex-girlfriend, Robin Scherbotzky comes back from her vacation with a really hot guy after they broke up. Moore’s character is the one that gets Ted to drunkenly get a tramp stamp, which in turn, leads him to meeting Stella.

DYK: In real life the one-time goody two-shoes pop singer turned goody-two shoes actress and Neutrogena spokesperson is married to one time Whiskeytown lead singer turned vastly underappreciated lead singer of Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, Ryan Adams. This might be the oddest celebrity pairing of the 21^st century.

Will Arnett

(E) Arnett plays the reoccurring role of Devon Banks, who is a (slightly) closeted homosexual and Jack’s main adversery for the role of Don Guise’s replacement as head of GE. Banks, who after learning of Jack’s heart attack threatens to make Jack’s “heart Explode” by making him eat red meat and play sports while on a retreat with Guise and family, is actually put in charge of GE for a little while. After Banks marries Guises daughter, and Guise slips into a coma without naming a successor.

(O) Arnett played magician and eldest Bluth child GOB (George O. Bluth II.) GOB gets black balled from the Magician alliance (which he helped create) for helping his farther hide from the cops in one of his illusions. Since revealing how an Illusion is done, to a non-magician alliance member (AKA: a howdydothat) is strictly forbidden, GOB is kicked out of the magician alliance, which makes it much tougher for him find a job in his line of work.

Jack McBryer

(E) AS Kenneth the page, the TV loving page, He is sort of the moral character of the show. Always willing to give a helping hand to the girlyshow actors and writers, whether it is going to the pet store to buy food for Tracey Jordan’s pet tiger, or going to the bad side of town to help Liz retrieve a wallet that she had left in cab. He does everything with a smile; also once beat Jack in a game of poker.

(O) A blink and you miss him appearance on AD as a waiter at the country club the once very wealthy Bluth family belonged too.

There is a good chance I am leaving off more than one person form this list, but since they probably weren’t on both Scrubs and Arrested Development, or at least weren’t important enough on the show for me to take note of, I don’t feel that bad. Also, the newest rumor is that a script for the Arrested Development movie is half way done and slated for a 2012 release date. So if anyone who acted in Scrubs is reading this, I will say acting in the movie for AD qualifies for the O in the QREGOT. If nothing else, I hope this blogs turns people who missed one or all of these comedies onto these shows and gets them to start watching them.

The End

repost from the old blog about Lebron James

Greetings readers,

Today will be my first blog devoted entirely (at least meant to be devoted entirely) to sports, namely Lebron James, and the aftermath of ‘the decision’.

Before I start talking about the last two months of Lebron James, let me come out and admit my bias here, I am not a Lebron James fan and while I can already see many of you rolling your eyes at me not liking something or someone. Let me explain, because unlike many things and people I don’t like, I have legitimate reasons here.

Reason 1 (or should I say 23): I hated from the start, that he wore the number 23, I get that he grew up a huge Jordan fan and was honoring him. I started wearing the number 4 in honor of Shawn Kemp after he was traded to the Cleveland Cavilers and started wearing the number 4, as opposed to the number 40 he wore as the heart and soul of the Seattle Supersonics (RIP). I couldn’t wear 40 for him, because none of the jerseys on the sports team I played on had numbers that went up that high. That being said, very few people have ever been associated with the number of their jersey the way Michael Jordan was with the number 23. If you ever see a high school basketball game and see someone wearing the number 23: I can promise you three things, one, that guy is not nearly as good at basketball as he thinks he is. Two, he is going to drive to the basket and take a very high number of shots. Three, he is an asshole on and off the court. But back to my issue with Lebron wearing 23, Lebron James was always going to be a NBA superstar; I think his first 7 years in the league may be the best first 7 years of anyone in basketball history. He should carve out his own number, or at least any other number than the number 23. Last basketball season he finally decided he would change his number to number 6 (this up coming season), which has never been worn by an NBA great (except: 11 time NBA champ Bill Russell, ABA superstar and king of all Afros Dr. J, and Temple standout and LA Lakers superstud Eddie Jones.) But at least 6 isn’t just blatantly related to one NBA superstar and global icon the way 23 is. After Lebron announced that he was changing his number, he said he thought the number 23 should be retired by the entire NBA in honor of Michael Jordan, and that to me is really stupid too. The idea that the number 23 should be hanging from the rafters of the Memphis Grizzlies or the Dallas Mavericks makes me roll my eyes so hard I am afraid that they might get permanently stuck that way. However, there should be an unwritten rule in the NBA that you don’t wear the number 23 (mostly, cause it’s cursed: isn’t that right, really bad looking Jim Carry movie from 2007, that most of you probably forgot existed.)

                If wearing the number 23 was my only problem with Lebron, than I wouldn’t have an excuse for not liking or at least not with the passion I have against liking him. In fact, for a while, I did kind of like him, when he was hosting SNL and playing three or four different character in those funny Nike commercials.

 My second problem with him came after the 2008 NBA playoffs when his team was ousted from the playoffs by the Orlando Magic. After the game, while everyone else was shaking hands with the opponents and wishing them good luck in the finals, James was busy going to the locker room and not showing good sportsmanship. I wouldn’t have that much of a problem with this, Lebron almost averaged a triple-double that series, he deserves to sulk a little bit and if he really couldn’t handle congratulating the other team that night then so be it. My major problem with this happened the next day when a reporter asked him about it. Here’s what he could have said that would have made it ok. “I should have gone over and shaken the Magic player’s hands, but I am really competitive and in the moment I couldn’t do it, I wish them the best of luck against the Lakers, I am friends with some of them. I really hope they do well in the finals, I am sorry to all the young kids who saw me walk out yesterday without telling them good game. They played better as a team than we did, they deserve to be in the finals.” Here is what he actually said verbatim: "It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them, I'm a winner. It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. ... I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."^[  

Now, I  know, Lebron didn’t go to college, and his private high school education, was probably more based around learning a jump shot than  vocabulary words. But I am pretty sure if all I had was my Meriwether Lewis Elementary  education and someone asked me what the definition of being a bad sport was I would say something along the lines of “not shaking someone’s hand or congratulating them after they beat you (even if you are a winner).” Although in fairness to Lebron, I probably wouldn’t know the definition of a bad sport in elementary school, if I went to some hole in the wall elementary school like, Virginia L. Murray.

My third thing Lebron James did that I hated was also in 2009, this time at his camp (ironically) for college kids. A college hoops player dunked on him, and there was someone there filming the camp. Lebron went over to some people on the sidelines right after the kid dunked on him, and two seconds later, the guys he went over to talk to went over to the guy holding the video camera and demanded that he give them the film he had just taken, saying no one was allowed to film the camp. Although the guy had been obviously filming for a while that day and no one had said anything to him before.

Those are my three main gripes with LeBron leading up to ‘the decision’, although I also don’t like that growing up he was a fan of the Yankees, Bulls, Cowboys and Red Wings (the last one is just speculation on my part.) and even wearing a Yankees hat to a Yankees-Indians playoff series in Cleveland.

Before I start talking about ‘the decision’ let me just say, ESPN should be more embarrassed by ‘the decision’ than Mel Gibson should be about anything he has ever done in his entire life: including the film Air America. And while they can talk about how great the rating were for it (higher than the NBA finals) I would add that Two and a half Men also has really high ratings, in other words, ratings don’t make it good.

There are very few things I can say about ‘the decision’ that haven’t already been said about Charles Manson, but I might just have to echo a few things. First, I think Lebron should have stayed in Cleveland, I think he owed it to the city of Cleveland (I’ll explain why in a second) as long as Lebron is on a team that team is a contender, and maybe that was part of the problem to begin with. Because they were always making the playoffs with Lebron, they never had a chance to get another good draft pick to help him out, not even the great Michael Jordon won without another great basketball player on his team (Scottie Pippen, who is, in fact the best second banana in basketball history and one of the top 8 players of his era, and why no one mentions that Michael Jordan went to exactly 0 finals without Pippen makes my head explode), and it’s very hard to convince a good basketball player free-agent to willingly move to Cleveland (see Chris Bosh).

A quick rant on Chris Bosh, the fact that Chris Bosh’s name is in the same sentence as Lebron and Dwayne Wade is pretty ridiculous to me. Chris Bosh is so lucky, four-leaf clovers pick him. Chris Bosh being part of the main members of the Heats big three is like Ringo Star being part of The Beatles, except if you replaced Ringo Star with me. Chris Bosh can’t even take a team to the playoffs (there are 8 teams that make the NBA playoffs in each league, and unlike other sports, since there are only 5 guys on the basketball court per team, if one person is a star, especially being held in the same breath as Lebron James and Dwayne Wade, they should be able to make the playoffs every year. It’s not like the Raptors were that bad of a team, especially in the East where the bottom 5 NBA playoff teams are garbage.(The Atlanta Hawks made the second round this year, enough said.) Alright, my Chris Bosh Tangent is over.

Lebron James grew up in Akron, Ohio a small town 39 miles away from Cleveland. Most sports fans from Akron are fans of the Cleveland sports franchises (maybe the most unlucky in all of sports…I’ll get to that later). The Cleveland Cavaliers getting the number 1 pick, the year that the local basketball prodigy that graced the cover of Sports Illustrated in 11^th grade with the headline “the chosen one” should have been a sign that Lebron was meant to be the biggest star the city of Cleveland ever saw. I am not sure in the history of sports that a kid with that much potential was given the chance to be drafted by his hometown team. And for a city like Cleveland whose fans cared and give so much to their sports team, while getting very little in return. The last time a Cleveland sports franchise won a championship was in the NFL in 2001. The only problem with that was that at the time the team won Super Bowl, they were called the Baltimore Ravens. The Indians made the world series a couple of times in the 90’s but never won and in 95 they gave the Atlanta Braves their only World Series win in their 13 year playoff run. Then, as if to pour salt on their wounds, several players that made up the core of the mid 90’s Indians went on to win World Series rings with other teams. Most notably Manny Ramirez with the Boston Red Sox in 2004 (ending an 86 year drought.) The first incarnation of the Cleveland Browns featured one of only two hall of fame running backs to retire in their prime (Jim Brown).  A little research into Cleveland’s championships shows the last one they won was the Browns in 1964 (however, that was before the Super Bowl. So, it’s not as big of a deal) before that was the Cleveland Indians in 1948. And the only reason the city doesn’t get more coverage of being an unlucky sports city is because it doesn’t have a hockey team. Cause, let’s be honest, why should a city like Cleveland have an NHL franchise, clearly NHL franchises are better suited in cities like Tampa Bay, Dallas, LA, and Phoenix. But, back to Lebron, not only did Lebron leave Cleveland, the way he did it was so cold and calculated, in front of a live national audience and creating a new phrase  into our lexicon “I am taking my talents to south beach” in the process. It’s almost like he gave the city of Cleveland a giant, unwanted Cleveland Steamer. Few players will feel the wrath of a former fan base like Lebron James is going to feel in the coming seasons. If he had done this to a city like Philadelphia, there is a good chance the next time he went there, there would be batteries thrown at him, if not worse. And there is a large part of me that wants the people to do that to him on Dec. 2^nd, Lebron James’s first venture back to the city that he spurned. Any proof you need that the fans absolutely hate him now; can be seen in the video footage of the fans burning Lebron Jersey’s, the letter that Dan Gilber (the Cavs owner) wrote to the fan base blasting Lebron, that Jesse “I do so much more harm than good in race relations these day” Jackson tried to insinuate was a slave master/slave, mindset based letter. The fact that the poor people of Cleveland were willing to Pay the 100k fined that David Stern issued to Gilbert after the publication of the letter shows just how much they agreed with him. And the incident of the asshole who wore a Lebron James, Miami Heat jersey to a baseball game in Cleveland was escorted out of the park, for trying to instigate a riot, simply for wearing the jersey. Personally, I want to see Lebron fail at the highest level, I want him to miss open shots in big games, I want him to feel the full burden of what he did to the city of Cleveland not just as an athlete but as an ambassador and former resident of that city, in my view he is no better than Benedict Arnold.

All, that being said, I don’t blame him for going to South Beach. Given the choice of spending the winter in Cleveland on an otherwise terrible team or in Miami with two of your best friends, one of which also happens to one of the best basketball players in the league, you’d be foolish to chose Cleveland: unless you really love cold weather, rereading about the history of rock n’ roll, and watching really bad football; or were the cities chosen one, who at one point  in your career promised to bring a championship to the people of your hometown.  

On an slightly unrelated note, Pat Riley, the GM of the Heat, is kind of like the best used car salesmen in the world, if that person were also Satan (especially in the looks department). And I think there is a 2% he won’t be taking over the coaching duties of the team by the middle of the year.

At the end of the day, there is a very good chance this team is going to be winning multiple championships in the coming years. And most people that think like Lebron James when it comes to the sports franchises they root for will be huge Heat fans, they’ll also probably be big New York Yankee fans, Washington Capitals fans, and change their favorite football team from year to year. I just pray they don’t become New York Jet fans (which is kind of my current fear).

2012 MLB slightly intoxicated preview.

                                           Quinn Rose’s slightly intoxicated MLB 2012 preview

Sponsored by MADD: Just because driving drunk is the most overated crime in the US, doesn’t give you the right to do it.

                                                                        And

 Led Zeppelin’s BBC session: When you’re alone in your car, no one can hear you sing off-key.

Before I began, let me admit something very few sports previewers will ever admit. I don’t know shit about shit, when it comes to predicting the newest sports season (in this case MLB). But I am going to give it my all and hope that when the 2012 world series is over, I was 100% right on my predictions. The two magazine’s I am using as guidelines are Atlon sports, and Sports Illustrated. Athlon Sports is at a strong disadvantage in that it is released in early February, which means there’s a lot of preseason baseball left too happen. I have been getting it for 12+ years now, and every season there is some major acquisition yet to happen. This year’s magazine, for example, came out before Prince Fielder signed with his Daddy’s old team.

                Sports Illustrated however, comes out a week before the season starts, so it is much more updated. Anyway, without much further ado, here is my 2012 MLB predictions, which may be partly inspired by Athlon and Sports Illustrated, who are wrong a lot  more than they are right. (unlike me)

AL EAST

New York Yankees

Tampa Rays*

Boston Red Sox

Toronto Blue Jays

Baltimore Orioles

The only easy prediction in this year’s AL east is that Baltimore will finish dead last with a bullet (probably shot by a Baltimore resident) (it is not a nice place to live) I think the Old Men and the (Yan)kees still have one more year of winning the division left in them. Tampa Bay has one of the best (if not the best) pitching rotations in the game right now: including 2012’s rookie of the year (probably) Matt Moore, who is as promising a pitcher as it gets. Besides Moore, their rotation includes Ace David Price, Innings eater James Shields, last year’s ROY Jeremy Hellickson, and Jeff Neiman as the number 5 starter. I mean, you give that rotation to Baltimore, and even they might be able to contend. This year’s Toronto Blue Jays are highly ranked by people who like getting Canadian fans riled up for eventual disaster. They are a solid 84 win team, who in any other division could possible finish third or even a non wildcard second. But, alas they are in the AL East, where money does in fact buy championships and no team spends money like the New York Yankees, who still owe Alex Rodriguez quit a lot of millions of dollars to no show the playoffs. Don’t worry fellow Yankee haters, they won’t get out of the first round.

AL Central

Detroit Tigers

Cleveland Indians

Minnesota Twins

Kansas City Royals

Chicago White Sox

Detroit Tigers and no one else (oh, my.) The once and future division known as the Comedy Central, is back to being a one team town. As if it wasn't enough that they had the AL’s best pitcher (Verlander, as if I have to say it) and a constant MVP candidate (Miguel Cabrera) they also managed to add the top MLB free agent not named Albert Puljos (Prince Fielder). Of all six leagues in MLB this season, this is the most obvious. If the Tigers don’t win the central by a wide margin, Jim Leyland should be fired, and every player on the team should take a long look in the mirror and ask themselves if playing major league baseball is what they actually want to do for a living. I have the Indians finishing number 2, mostly cause I am a rebel, and this is a meaningless blog, so nothing I say on it matters and therefore I can disagree with SI without getting into any kind of trouble (like a real sports blogger...or anyone that works for ESPN). If the 100 million dollar Minnesota man, Joe Mauer is healthy, the Twins should be able to eek out third place in this division on muscle memory alone. If Mauer takes the money and runs (doesn’t even try to play) look for Mighty KC to go for third place in the division for the first time since George Brett was an active member of their roster. When you have a top 10 draft pick every year for 20 some years, you are bound to get a few right every once in a while, and KC might be getting to pluck its ripened vines this year. The White Sox are a joke of their former 2005 WS winning selves, and home team hero Robin Ventura should be given many years as manager to prove ownership right in letting the lightning rod that is Ozzie Guillen go.

AL West:

Los Angeles Angels of Anahiem

Texas Rangers*

Seattle Mariners

Oakland A’s

The future division of the Houston Astros has one more year to prepare for their arrival, and while they are waiting they will have the enjoyment of watching two top tier teams duke it out for AL West supremacy, before doing the same dance next year, only having another push-over team to beat within the division. Why the Cardinals didn’t throw everything the city has to offer (including Nelly and Murphy Lee) at Albert Pujols is beyond me. But the Saint Lunatics loss is LA’s gain, as the best hitter in baseball history will now be retiring as a DH (eventually) but for now he is still a boarderline gold glove first baseman, who should give the Angels an extra 5 wins a season, and I haven’t even mentioned the fact that they signed the Rangers best pitcher from last year (C.J. Wilson). For the zero people out there worried about Texas, I would advise you not to be, as they will be fine with what they have this season. Feliz will come into his own as a starter, and Japanese import Yu Darvish will more than live up to his billing as the next (or first) great MLB Japanese pitcher. Texas lineup is just as potent as it’s ever been. The Marieners are simply hoping this isn’t the season that Felix Hernandez realizes he would have a much better career if he took his talents somewhere else, and demands a trade in the middle of the season. The great Moneyball caper, won’t get any better this year, as Billy Beane and company continue their perennial play for next year tactics. I am not sure when restocking a team for the future will wear thin for the A’s, but I suspected they’ll be playing in San Jose by the time it does.

Playoff predictions

Wild Card game: Rangers over Rays

ALDS: Rangers over Tigers (100 win season); Angels over Yankees

ALCS: Rangers over Angels

NL East:

Philadelphia Phillies

Washington Nationals

Atlanta Braves

Florida Marlins

New York Mets

The Marlins might have a fancy new stadium, signed a couple high price free agents, and a loud mouth coach who all the players love (and with good reason.) But the Philadelphia Philadelphia’s are still the team to beat, boasting a pitching staff that few teams in the history of baseball can match, even with their historically fast aging infield, they should still be able to win the NL East. The rest of the NL East are up and comers (and the New York Mets) led by Washington, who is still a year or two (and decent top of the lineup) away from being competitive. The Braves will often be in the hunt and their farm club seems quite decent, the Marlins seem to be getting better and have ownership that stupidly thinks winning ballgames will bring south Floridians to the ball park (it won’t) and if all else fails, the four teams and their fans can all take solace  

in the fact that they aren’t the New York Mets.

NL Central

Cincinnati Reds

St. Louis Cardinals*

Milwaukee Brewers

Pittsburgh Pirates

Chicago Cubs

Houston Astros

Hopefully, for everyone in southern Ohio, this is the year that the Red Stockings finally put It all together, win the NL Central and go deep into the playoffs, they certainly have the roster to do it, and with the weakening of the Cardinals and Brewers, Joey Votto is the best first basemen in the league this year. If nothing else, the Reds and Cardinals should be able to make the playoffs due to the combinded number of times they play the Pirates, Cubs, and Astros this year. The brew crew might give them a little pause this season, but it’s nothing that the Reds and Cards current roster can’t get through.

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks

San Francisco Giants*

Colorado Rockies

L.A. Trolley Dodgers

San Diego Padres

The good news for the top four teams in the NL West is that they all get to play the Padres a bunch of times, the bad news is that every other team is quite capable of winning the West. The four top teams will be hoping to pounce on any given chance they get. The D-Backs should be able to slither their way back to first place this year, they have a good core of players just starting to come into their prime. The Giants went from winning the WS to not being able to score 2 runs a game for their best pitcher. This season is looking good for them as they have a great pitching staff again and just need to figure out how to get their bats off their shoulders, also, catcher Buster Posey is coming back to play full time for them. The Rockies are in the same place they've been over the past few years and will once again be sliding down towards Padres country once the Dodgers new ownership starts spreading its wings and spending its capital.

NL Wildcard: Giants over Cardinals

NLDS: Reds over Giants, Phillies over D-Backs

NLCS: Reds Over Phillies

World Series: Rangers over Reds

This is the year the Ranger finally win, and before you all bitch and complain about me picking the Rangers simply cause they are may favorite team, let me say that you are right. I picked the Rangers partly cause they are my favorite team. But, I also honestly believe this is the year they go from being the Buffalo Bills of baseball to being the Atlanta Braves of the 2010’s  American League.

And that ladies and gentleman, is my Baseball preview for 2012.

Trying my hand at this blogging thing for a second time, I’ll repost some of my old blogs here too, for those that want read them as well. Anyway, I am hoping to make this blog about everything I love and hate, my little corner of the internet if you will. I’ll try to keep up a lot better with this one…lol.

Please allow myself, to introduce myself. I am 28 years old, I am originally from Charlottesville, Virginia, but now live in the most beautiful part of the country in the most beautiful city: San Diego, California. I love to talk about anything and everything under the sun, but am especially favorable to: sports (especially of the baseball, football, and basketball variety), TV (mostly comedies), movies (again…mostly comedies), music (of all variety except pop rap and pop country) celebrity culture, psychology, history, politics, religion, I love to curse and expect this blog to be littered with F bombs and maybe even a seaward or two. I am not sure what else I expect to put in to this blog, but I hope to keep everyone laughing, thinking, and maybe even shedding a tear. I’ll tell stories and tall-tales of yesteryear, write my opinion on current topics that I just can’t do on twitter and/or facebook updates. This blog opens up a new world order for me and the shit I can share with the world. Hopefully, I get my first real post up in the next couple of days, but I am actually going to be pretty busy this weekend, as I have quite a big Saturday planned full of socialization and will be spending Sunday helping out on a movie that has card caring members of SAG working on it. 

Anyway, I now have to start my weekend with a kickball game. Hope to be back on here soon.

Quinn