Before we get down to business, I am sure many of you have noticed that I am copying and pasting the quotes (the synaposis are my brains own handy work) anyway, I guess I should give credit where credit is due and plug the website I am getting it off of http://www.snpp.com/episodeguide.html Hope everyone is enjoying reading these, and please feel free to tell me what you think, even if it's that my list sucks and I should go to hell.
15. Lisa on Ice (season 6)- Over the years Bart and Lisa have been
best friends and arch rivals, few episodes showcase the later quite like this
one.The episodes starts off innocently enough with a meeting about academic
alerts in the Butt-head memorial auditorium: Ralph learns he’s doing poorly in
English (quote will be found at end of synopsis). Lisa, finds out she is
failing gym, and the only way for her to pass the grade (and not end up castoff
in Monster Island (which is actually a peninsula) ) is to join a sports team
outside of school. While at one of Bart’s hockey games, rival coach Apu
(leaving his Kwik-E Mart post) learns that Lisa is a quite competent goalie,
and gets her to join the team. Pretty soon Lisa is a star goalie with the eye
of the tiger and the mouth of a teamster. Eventually the rivalry becomes to much for
Bart and Lisa and they start to bring the fight home with them. Finally, the two
have a game against each other, fighting for their parents love and affection.
In the end, it comes down to a Bart Simpson penalty shot, which he refuses to take
after Lisa give up the net to him and Lisa and Bart wind up skating off the ice
together to an tie, much to the dismay of the fans, who naturally, wind up
rioting and setting the pee-wee hockey stadium ablaze.
Bart: Ah, Action News. The last place an impressionable kid can go for TV violence.
Skinner: All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph: I won, I won! [walks on stage]
Skinner: No no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Skinner: Mundt, Nelson, you're failing History, Geography, and Math,
but, er, you're doing quite well in Home Ec.
Nelson: Hey, keep it down, man. [uncomfortable] Ha ha.
Homer: OK son, just remember to have fun out there today. And if you
lose, I'll kill you!
Bart: Hello, queen Lisa.
Lisa: Bart! What are you doing in my room?
Bart: Lisa, certain differences -- rivalries, if you will -- have come
up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like
civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr.
Honeybunny.
[holds up stuffed rabbit in one hand, head in the other]
Lisa: Bart, that was _your_ cherished childhood toy.
Bart: Aah! Mr. Honeybunny! [tries to repair it, kisses it]
Bart: OK, but on my way, I'm going to be doing this: [windmills arms]
If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this. [kicks] And
if any part of you should fill that air, [kicks] it's _your_ own
fault.
[they walk towards each other, then start fighting]
Marge: Oh, I better go check that out. Now Homer, don't you eat this
pie!
Homer: OK...[Marge leaves] All right, pie, I'm just going to do this.
[chomps air] And if you get eaten, it's your own fault!
[walks towards pie, chomping air, and hits head on range head]
Ow! Oh, my -- aw, to hell with this. [grabs pie, eats it]
Snake: Those kids are, like, so sweet. [sobs] If only they had had
peewee hockey when I was a lad.
14. Duffless (Season 4)- Homer ditches work early to go to the Duff
brewery with Barney, while there the two sample all sorts of tasty styles of
Duff. However, once they are about to leave, Chief Wiggum pulls them over and
test their sobriety: Homer passes most of the test, until he is given the
breathalyzer (at the request of Barney). The rest of the episode involves Homer
staying sober (he even has to stay sober at a baseball game, which causes him to learn how
boring the game really is). In the B storyline, Bart destroys Lisa’s science
fair project by throwing the giant tomato she had grown (with help of steroids)
at Principal Skinner's behind, needing a new project, she decides to see if Bart
is dumber than hamster. Bart discovers her plan and winds up putting the
hamster in a little airplane (complete with little goggles), and winds up
taking first place in the science fair. Homer, having been sober for 30 days,
goes to get loaded at Moe’s, but after seeing all the barflies and how unhappy
they look, he decides to go back home and spend some time going on a bike ride Marge.
Lisa: [showing off a tomato the size of a beach ball] I've grown a
futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.
Bart: The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of
excellence?
Lisa: The very same.
Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing.
[camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything]
Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: [panicky] I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: Aah! [Runs off]
Another early Duff Beer commercial depicts the Kennedy-Nixon
Presidential debate of 1960.
Nixon: Well I would suggest, Mr. Vancouver, that if you knew the President that, that was just a facetious remark.
Announcer: And now a word from our sponsor.
Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to announce my fondness for, ah, Duff Beer. [audience cheers]
Nixon: I'd also like to express, er, my fondness for that particular beer. {audience boos}
Homer: Well beer, we've had some great times...
[singing to "It was a Very Good Year"]
When I was 17,
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer
I purchased with a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was 17.
Homer tries to take his mind off his troubles at the ball park, where
he is the only person in the stands not drinking.
Announcer: ...the windup and a 2-2 pitch. Oh, no, wait a minute, the batter is calling for time. Looks like he's going to get himself a new bat. And now there's a beach ball on the field, and the balls boys are discussing which one of them's going to go get it.
Homer: [only one not drinking] I never realized how boring this game is.
13. Homer at the Bat (season 3)- The Simpsons have done a lot of sports based episodes….this is the best (I’d say by far…but, Lisa On Ice was just two ranks ago, so that would be stupid). In a send-up of The Natural, Homer makes a softball bat out of a fallen oak tree, and his company softball team starts going on quite the winning streak. Once the team starts winning, Mr. Burns, the company owner gets involved and decides to bring in a bunch of ringers, Charles Montgomery Burns brings a bunch of MLBers to join the team: 2 ofthem are now in the Hall of Fame now ( 3B Wade Boggs, SS Ozzie Smith), 1 will be as soon as he’s eligible (OF Ken Griffey Jr.), 1 might make it as a coach (C Mike Soaccia), 2 have the numbers,but probably won’t make it on account of using steroids (P Roger Clemmons, OF Jose Canseco) 1 could have one of the best players of all-time but did way to much cocaine instead (OF Darryl Strawberry), 1 was the best Yankee of all time to never play in a World Series (1B Don Mattingly) and then there was 2B Steve Sax. With 1991 All-Star team like that, there was no way Mr. Burns would lose, except that by the time the big game happened, all of them had gotten hurt, sick, or fell into a never-ending black-hole. All of them, that is, except for Homer’s replacement Darryl Strawberry, who played a hell of a game, before being taken out in the last inning with the bases loaded, because he is a leftie and the pitcher is a righty. Homer knocks in the winning run, when the softball connects with head, and he is carried off the field, a hero.
Bart: [sees Homer's homemade bat] Wow! How many home runs you gonna
hit with that?
Homer: Let's see. We play thirty games. Ten at-bats a game. Mmm...
Three thousand.
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules.You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: [in baseball uniform] Hey, we know how to play softball.
Homer: Please please please, I want to make the team. [catches Roger Clemens]Clemens, did I make the team?
Roger: You sure did!
Homer: I did! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!
Roger: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey, Jr.?
Homer: No.
Roger: Sorry.Didn't mean to get your hopes up.
Jose Canseco: I get $50,000 to play one game?
Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
Jose Canseco: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun.
Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better
than you?
Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger
than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do
anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's
a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always
about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.
12. Krusty gets Kanceled (season 4) Krusty the Klown has been Springfield's unquestioned king of the late afternoon comedy hour for a long time, until
finally a little competition comes, in the form of a dummy named: Gabbo. Gabbo
makes his debut to much fanfare and soon he is the darling of the late-afternoon comedy TV (he’s a bad little boy, after all.) He gets Itchy and Scratchy to join his show. Krusty
is shown the door and before long he is living a bums life. This is too much
for Bart and Lisa to handle and they take it upon themselves to relaunch Krusty
the Klown’s career with the help of some of his famous friends (Johnny Carson,
Hugh Hefner, Bette Midler, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers (who Bart is able to
steal away from a gig at Moe’s) They also get Krusty's much hated half bother, Luke Perry.
Bart is able to help his cause by catching Gabbo calling all his fans “little
S.O.B’s”. Krusty goes back to some old habits, but with Bart, Lisa, and Homer’s training, Krusty is able to get back in performance
shape and into the hearts of all his fans.
Krusty: I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried them all. Sea Captain. Joey Bishop.
Assistant: Don't forget the Special Olympics.
Krusty: [wistfully] Oh, yeah... I slaughtered the Special Olympics!
Mayor Quimby: I'll admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies.But as Gabbo would say, ``I'm a bad widdle boy.''
Kent Brockman: Gabbo’s type of lanauge has no place on TV. {turns to his side} That ought to please those S.O.B’s
(Bart walks into Moe’s Tarvern and sees the Red Hot Chilli Peppers)
Bart: Hey guys, do you want to be on the Krusty come back special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us out of this dump
Bart: Sure thing. Hey Moe, look over there (points to a wall)
Moe: (looking at the wall)
What? What am I looking at?
Homer walks in
Homer: Hey Moe, what are you looking at? Can I look too?
Moe: Sure thing, but it’ll cost you
Homer: My wallets in the car (Homer
leaves)
Moe: Haha..what an idiot. Now back to staring at the wall
11. Barts gets an Elephant (season 5) After a day of Spring
cleaning, Bart wins a radio prize from KBBL’s Bill and Marty. He gets to choose
between 10,000 dollars or a really stupid prize, which today is a living
African Elephant, Bart chooses the Elephant. Sadly for the DJ duo, the elephant
does not actually exist. Bart protest his lack of an elephant prize, and after
the radio station owners threaten to replace Bill and Marty with a machine
(well hotdog, we have a wiener), they finally get him his elephant. Bart names
his new friend Stampy, and loves him very much. Unfortunatly, an elephant gets
mighty expensive to take care of, and while people are willing to pay 1.00 to
see the elephant and 2.00 to ride the elephant, they aren’t willing to pay 100
to see the elephant, or 200 to ride the elephant. Homer realizes the only option left, they have to sell Stampy. Fortunately, an ivory dealer
named Blackheart offers big bucks for him, and since he has a high supply of
ivory, he is probably less likely to kill Stampy for his precious ivory, then
someone whose ivory supplies are low. Bart and Stampy run away together, and
the rest of The Simpson clan go after them, finding them at the Springfield tar
pits. Homer, still hell bent on selling Stampy to Blackheart, is excited to see
them, but, while making a speech , gets sucked into the tar pits. Stampy pulls
him out to safety and Homer, having just had his life saved by the feisty feline,
decides it’s would be best for Stampy to go to the Springfield Wildlife Center. This episode also marks the debut of Cleatus (the slack jawed Yolka)
Marty: Let's try one more number.
Homer: Y'ello?
Bart: [grabs phone] KBBL is going to give me something stupid!
Marty: Well, hot dog! We have a weiner! [car alarm noise]
Homer: [grasping air] Y'ello?
Bart: I won, I won!
Marty: You win your choice of $10,000 or -- what's our gag prize this
week, Bill?
Bill: [raucous] A full-grown African Elephant!
Bart: Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty, but I think
I'm going to have to go with the elephant.
Homer: [to Marge, happily] He's taking the elephant instead of the
money.
Marty: [whispering] The kid wants the elephant!
Bill: We don't have an damn elephant.
Marty: Don't whisper into the mike!
Bill: Ahem, kid, the elephant's a gag prize. Nobody takes the gag
prize. [nervous laughter] You want the cash.
Bart: [indignant] I want the elephant!
Homer: Heh, heh, stick it to the man!
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all
kinds of useful things like...love!
Marge: Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows but
they'll save us 4% on our heating bill.
[long pause]
Well they will.
Lisa: You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing...which is
that it's wrong to imprison an animal!
[long pause]
Homer: Lisa, go to you room.
Boss: Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped
with angry calls and letter-bombs.
[A few letter-bombs explode in a pile]
And it's all your fault!
Bill: Yes it is, ma'am.
Boss: This is the DJ 3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has
three distinct varieties of inane chatter.
[presses a button]
DJ 3000: [stilted] Hey, hey. How about that weather out there?
Woah! _That_ was the caller from hell.
Well, hot dog! We have a weiner.
Bill: Man, that thing's great!
Marty: _Don't_ praise the machine!
Boss: If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the DJ 3000
gets your job.
[Marty punches it]
DJ 3000: Those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.
Bill: [laughs] How does it keep up with the news like that?
Homer: What's he yelling about?
Lisa: He's hungry. Here you go Stampy: [holds a platter] eat it slow.
It has to last for --
[Stampy grabs it all at once]
You ate it too fast.
Homer: Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so
hungry.
Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel!
Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up
in the back yard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel.
Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. Well, excuse
me if I'm cruel!
Warden: Our wildlife refuge is the ideal environment for your elephant:
thousands of acres of simulated African savannah.
Lisa: It's perfect, Dad.
Homer: I only have two questions: "How much", and "Give it to me".
Warden: Well, we really can't offer you any money, we're a non-profit
organization.
Homer: So your bid is zero.
Warden: Well, we like to think of it as --
Homer: Thank you.
Warden: You know I really think --
Homer: Thank you.
Homer: Son! You're OK. [hypnotic] And you led us to the precious
ivory...[affable] and, of course, your lovable pet, who it's
connected to.
Bart: Dad, I can't let you sell him. Stampy and I are friends.
[Stampy beats him with his trunk] Ow! Anyway, I want him to go
to that animal refuge.
Homer: Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars.
Lisa: Dad, how would _you_ like to be sold to an ivory dealer?
Homer: I'd like it fine.
Bart: Even if he killed you and made your teeth into piano keys?
Homer: Yes, of course I would! Who wouldn't like that -- to be part of
the music scene?
Homer: I'm alive. I'm alive!
And I owe it all to this feisty feline.
Lisa: Dad, "feline"
means "cat".
Homer: Elephant, honey. It's an elephant!...{whisltfully} and I am
sure he’ll make a grand piano
Bart
and Lisa: Dad!
Homer: I guess it wouldn't be right to
sell Stampy after he saved my
life. And the boy seems to have some sort of
relationship with
him.
Bart: Thanks, Dad.
Homer: On the other hand, who's to say
what's right these days, what
with all our modern
ideas...and products?
[Bart and Lisa
look angrily at him]
All right, we'll give
the stupid elephant to the stupid animal
refuge.
Kids: Yay! [hug Homer, who is still covered in tar]
Bart: Uh, Mom? We're stuck to Dad.
Marge: Mmm, this is just what happened
at the caramel factory.
[pulls them off]
Lisa: Ow, my hair!
Homer: Mmm, caramel.
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