Quinn Rose Egot

(Slightly disgust) Hello Reeeaders,

In the under watched show, every one of you should be watching on NBC, 30 Rock. The character Tracy Jordan decides he wants to have a baby girl and tells his wife, Angie. Angie is against having another kid, but decides she is willing to give it a try, after Tracy sweets talks her. It’s near the holidays, so to prove his ability as a family man she sends Tracy to the mall to buy Christmas gifts for their two boys. Long story short, while at a jewelry store at the mall, Tracy gets sidetracked by a diamond encrusted giant necklace with the word EGOT on it. The jeweler informs Tracy that the necklace once belonged to Miami Vice star Phillip Michael Thomas and is actually a career goal of winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony award. Tracy decides to buy the necklace and make it his own goal. Once he tells Angie of his purchase, as opposed to the Christmas present he was supposed to get for their kids. Angie decides that the only way that she will have another kid with Tracy is if he accomplishes his new goal of winning all four awards.

The point of that synapses of an episode of 30 Rock is this. In my opinion, this millennium, there have been 4 comedies with at least two and a half seasons under their belt that are head and shoulders above all other comedies: 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Scrubs, and How I Met Your Mother (rookie comedies :Modern Family, and Community have a chance to be full blown classics as well.) Of these shows, a handful of people have either starred or guest starred in at least two of the shows listed. This blog is dedicated to those people and their attempt to complete the Quinn Rose EGOT.

To complicate this blog a little more I will now break each of the four shows down to an award category, and explain why each show best fits into it.

30 Rock (Emmy): The original conception of the show was a look behind the scenes at the writers and politics of an SNL like show called The Girlie Show (this was also the plot of the show Studio 60 on the sunset strip…except 30 Rock is really good.) 30 Rock quickly turned into something a lot more slap sticky and off the wall than the original conception. In the real world, 30 Rock is an Emmy winning machine and has garnered Emmy nominations and wins for acting, directing, and comedy show. Thus, making it the easy choice for the E of the Quinn Rose EGOT award.

Scrubs (Grammy):  Funny and equally heart-warming and wrenching. Most of the happy and sad scenes in this hospital based comedy simply wouldn’t be as emotional without the music in the background. The score is often pop and indie songs and not just background music. Star Zach Braff, well thought of for his musical taste, won an Oscar for the Soundtrack of the movie “Garden State” which he wrote, directed, starred in, and picked out the soundtrack for. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Scrubs was kept on the air for at least 2 seasons too long. The episode that should have been the series finale, ends with his character, JD, imagining watching his future in a 60’s style home movie and would’ve been/is my favorite series finale since Seinfeld (yes, I actually really liked the Seinfeld series finale. And yes my opening line is a Seinfeld reference)

Arrested Development (Oscar): IamOscar.comThe best live-action comedy since Seinfeld (the show is also funnier than Seinfeld, has a 4 run arc that features Julia Louis-Dryfuss, and best of all, doesn’t have a laugh track) gets to represent the Super Bowl of award shows (the academy awards/Oscars.)  

How I Met Your Mother (Tony): someone had to be compared to the Tonies, and I can’t think of a better show than this. If for no other reason than that I actually watched the 2008 Tonies because it was hosted by the incomparable Neil Patrick Harris (who stars in HIMYM.)

Quick slightly unrelated rant: 3 of the 4 shows on this list, as well as 6 of my 10 favorite comedies of all time, do not have a laugh track. This is far from a coincidence, laugh tracks suck. Personally, I blame the idiots in the Midwest for the need for laugh tracks. Midwesterners are so stupid, I am pretty sure they wouldn’t know when to laugh if a show didn’t tell them too (I also think Midwesterners are the reason that Arrested Development was canceled way too soon. And the reason Two and a Half men is the # 1 Comedy in America.) You can read about more reasons why I hate the Midwest in my upcoming book; Compromise this: The tragic rise of the Midwest on Americas values and what we must do to take back our country from their evolution denying fat asses; we should also get rid of Texas and New Jersey while we are at it. For some reason I am still looking for a publisher.   Sadly, from a Nielsen ratings standpoint the most popular comedies still have laugh tracks which sucks even more when you consider that unlike past show, they are not filmed in front of a live audience (which means someone is getting paid to overdub audience laughter into shows that otherwise wouldn’t have it.) Now, I can appreciate a good “oooohhhh” when A.C. Slater calls Jessica Spanno a “Sexy Mama” or Lisa Turtle calls Screech a “Geek” or even a good “awwwww” after baby Michelle Tanner says “you got it, dude” I just wish they would keep their stinkin, damn, dirty paws off those buttons when I am trying to enjoy How I met your Mother or Big Bang Theory.

Let’s get back to the point of this blog, the Quinn Rose EGOT. Due to the abrupt cancelation of Arrested Development and the long overdue cancelation of Scrubs, the number of people that can actually realize the QREGOT dream is only about 3. However, I am going to write about everyone that I can think of off the top of my head that has been on at least two of the four shows. So if I miss someone, I am sorry. Although, because I am doing this off the top of my head, I think it is a lot less sad if I do miss an actor or two than it would be if I got all of them.

The actors/actresses that could achieve a full blown Quinn Rose EGOT

Jason Bateman:

(G): played a man in a wheel chair on Scrubs that did not thank J.D. for his work as a doctor, causing J.D. and Turk to go over to his ostrich infested house and demand one from him.

(O): starred in AD as Michael Bluth, the one son in the Bluth family that had no choice but to try and keep his family together.

Zach Braff:

(G) Dr. John (J.D.) Dorien, the main character in Scrubs. (He is no superman) (sidenote: I have a deep disdain for Superman, but will save that for another column)

(O) Played Phillip Ziff on an episode of Arrested. Ziff is the creator of the hit adult voyeurism DVD franchise: Women With Low Self-Esteem (girls show the camera their boobs and they get a hat.) Ziff is also probably the most famous Never-Nude.

Heather Graham:

(G) Played the reoccurring character Dr. Molly Clock on scrubs (had an 8 episode arc at the beginning of season 4) Dr. Clock is a psychologist, who is sent to do a fellowship at Sacred Heart. Befriends Dr. Reid, annoys Dr. Cox, Carla, and Dr. Kelso. Carla, cause she becomes the friend Elliot listens to over her. The two doctors due to her sunny disposition, whistling (wish causes everyone that she passes to whistle) and thinking people are good, (which is stupid, because as we all know, people are bastard coated bastards)  

(O) Played a substitute ethics teacher, with a thing for Saddam Hussein. George-Michael falls in love with her, and Michael starts dating her. For my money, this is the best episode of season 1.

*For some reason, whenever I try to picture Heather Graham in my head, I never think of her as being very pretty (although, I am made aware of her beauty when I see a visual of her.) I also have this same problem with Amy Smart, although I can explain the Amy Smart problem. When I lived in Harrisburg with some friends, one of my roommates had a friend that looked slightly like Amy Smart, but the friend wasn’t that attractive.

Elizabeth Banks*

*”Wait one cotton picking minute” I can hear Some Quinn Rose EGOT purist out there are saying out loud. Elizabeth Banks wasn’t in Arrested Development, she can’t be in this section of people that can actually get a Quinn Rose EGOT. She has to be in your other section that is devoted to actors that can’t QREGOT but are in two or more shows.

Let me first say, that you are correct on the lovely Mrs. Banks not being in Arrested Development in a psychical sense. But I’d like to think she was definitely there in a meta-psychical sense, and I am 100 percent sure based on her track record that had the Midwest not gotten AD canceled after a criminally low 53 episodes, she would have no doubt been in an episode in the flesh. I also hear she taste like a burger, but I am not sure I trust my source on that.

(E) On 30 Rock, Banks plays a political talking head named Avery Jessup, who hosts a show called “The Hot Box”. After Jack appears on the show, the two go on a date and Jack quickly falls for her. However, Jack also had a recent coincidental run-in with an old friend from high school, who may or may not be in the middle of a divorce, played by Julianne Moore.

(G) On Scrubs, Banks plays a doctor named Kim who J.D. falls for, impregnates, and then is left by when she takes a job in a Seattle hospital. While visiting her, and his future baby, he is told by her that she had a miscarriage (although we find out much sooner than poor J.D. does that she is lying to him…oh, the drama) anyway…she continues on and off the show after that as J.D. first baby’s mama.

(O) Since I am giving her an honorary O (if you know what I mean) I might as well give her a character description. Actually due to my lack of imagination, let’s say she played former GOB high school flame and mother of Steve Holt: Eve Holt. GOB got her pregnant in high school and because she was religious, once she got pregnant she stayed that way.

In a perfect world or at least in my perfect world of pretend TV romances (sigh) Banks would be cast as the title mother of CBS smash hit How I Met Your Mother (the show plays well in Peoria because of its laugh track…otherwise how would someone from the Midwest know when to laugh.) Cater/Bay need to get on this stat.

Now for the rest of the actors, who can’t officially QREGOT, but have had the good sense to be in at least two of these shows. I will honor them by writing about them in a blog that probably reaches about 10 people, 3 of which might still be reading this inane thing.

Judy Greer

(O) On AD, Greer plays Kitty, George Bluth’s loyal assistant who was once threaten in a bar by Michael Bluth, kidnapped George because he had promised her a baby Bluth of her own. Made out several times with GOB, and went to Reno with Tobias Funke where they were able to make “the biggest little mistake of their life.”

(T) Played a random girl named Royce (which would go in a column of names never to name your kid, if I ever got bold enough to write such a column, other notable names that would make that list, Valentine)

Anyway, Ted takes her to a movie called “the Wedding Bride” which Ted is shocked to learn is based on his relationship with Stella (Boo, Hiss) and is written by the man she left Ted at the altar for (Tony)…If someone asked me if I could name this my favorite episode of season five. I would respond by saying “Can doosville, baby doll!!”

Sarah Chalke

(G): plays Dr. Eliot Reid, JD’s on-again off-again love interest, whom he winds up with at the end of the series, and has a kid with. Dr. Reid, is as strongly written a female lead character as they come, and Chalke brings the funny at all times.

(T) As Dr. Stella Zinman (Booo…Hiss), the skin doctor and single mother of 1 (gulp) from New Jersey (double gulp) who Ted meets when he goes in to get a tramp stamp of a Butterfly removed from his back. Stella and Ted date, Ted ask her to marry him and then later learns that she doesn’t like Star Wars (Do’h) plans to make him move to Jersey with her (double do’h) and that she is still in love with her daughter’s farther and future “The Wedding Bride” scribe Tony, whom she winds up leaving Ted at the altar for (luckiest moment of Ted life.)  

 Mandy Moore

(G) Moore plays the character Julie on scrubs, a gorgeous and clumsy girl who says things are so funny instead of laughing. JD dates and falls for her, the two buys a plot of land that already has a deck on it together. Before learning that they are on totally separate pages as to what they are looking for right now in a relationship (he is ready to get married and have kids, she is not.)

(T) Moore plays a badass tattooed chick that Ted hooks up with after ex-girlfriend, Robin Scherbotzky comes back from her vacation with a really hot guy after they broke up. Moore’s character is the one that gets Ted to drunkenly get a tramp stamp, which in turn, leads him to meeting Stella.

DYK: In real life the one-time goody two-shoes pop singer turned goody-two shoes actress and Neutrogena spokesperson is married to one time Whiskeytown lead singer turned vastly underappreciated lead singer of Ryan Adams and the Cardinals, Ryan Adams. This might be the oddest celebrity pairing of the 21^st century.

Will Arnett

(E) Arnett plays the reoccurring role of Devon Banks, who is a (slightly) closeted homosexual and Jack’s main adversery for the role of Don Guise’s replacement as head of GE. Banks, who after learning of Jack’s heart attack threatens to make Jack’s “heart Explode” by making him eat red meat and play sports while on a retreat with Guise and family, is actually put in charge of GE for a little while. After Banks marries Guises daughter, and Guise slips into a coma without naming a successor.

(O) Arnett played magician and eldest Bluth child GOB (George O. Bluth II.) GOB gets black balled from the Magician alliance (which he helped create) for helping his farther hide from the cops in one of his illusions. Since revealing how an Illusion is done, to a non-magician alliance member (AKA: a howdydothat) is strictly forbidden, GOB is kicked out of the magician alliance, which makes it much tougher for him find a job in his line of work.

Jack McBryer

(E) AS Kenneth the page, the TV loving page, He is sort of the moral character of the show. Always willing to give a helping hand to the girlyshow actors and writers, whether it is going to the pet store to buy food for Tracey Jordan’s pet tiger, or going to the bad side of town to help Liz retrieve a wallet that she had left in cab. He does everything with a smile; also once beat Jack in a game of poker.

(O) A blink and you miss him appearance on AD as a waiter at the country club the once very wealthy Bluth family belonged too.

There is a good chance I am leaving off more than one person form this list, but since they probably weren’t on both Scrubs and Arrested Development, or at least weren’t important enough on the show for me to take note of, I don’t feel that bad. Also, the newest rumor is that a script for the Arrested Development movie is half way done and slated for a 2012 release date. So if anyone who acted in Scrubs is reading this, I will say acting in the movie for AD qualifies for the O in the QREGOT. If nothing else, I hope this blogs turns people who missed one or all of these comedies onto these shows and gets them to start watching them.

The End